


I Found Love Where It Wasn't Supposed To Be

by PrincessPersephone123



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, But Merlin likes Arthur, Camelot, Comfort Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gwaine likes Merlin, Hurt Merlin, In a land of myth and magic, M/M, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon, Oblivious Merlin, Pining Gwaine, Protective Gwaine, Slash, but also fluff, knights of the round table - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-08-24 01:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16630313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessPersephone123/pseuds/PrincessPersephone123
Summary: Gwaine likes Merlin. But Merlin likes Arthur. Will both of them ever find the love that they deserve?





	1. Just a Friend

**Author's Note:**

> And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be  
> Right in front of me, talk some sense to me
> 
> (I Found Love - Amber Run )

Gwaine couldn't stop staring at Merlin. 

Not just staring. Watching him. The way he would pour wine into Arthur's goblet when it was almost empty and slink back into the shadows like he was invisible. The way his usually merry blue eyes were dark and haunted as they stared into nothing. The way his lips would usually be curved up into a cheerful and beautiful smile but now were pressed together in a thin and tense line. The way he would walk about with a spring of life in his steps but now he walked as if he was a man without a purpose, a man walking towards his own death. The way Merlin was trying his best to blend in when he was born to stand out.

Gwaine didn't like this sudden change in Merlin and wondered whether the others had noticed it too. Gwen, Gaius, Lancelot weren't they all Merlin's friends? Arthur of all people should have seen this drastic change in the nature and behaviour of Merlin but he was laughing and chatting away with a Lord from another land like nothing was wrong. Gwaine wondered what caused this sudden behavior in Merlin. He kept observing Merlin as he sipped the wine from his goblet and he saw that Merlin's sad and haunted gaze all evening hadn't wavered from a certain person. When he followed Merlin's gaze, Gwaine's eyes landed on Arthur who was holding his wife Guinevere's hand while talking with Lord Eldred.

'Oh' realized Gwaine ' He is not over Arthur yet.'

Of course Gwaine knew Merlin was head over heels for Arthur. The moment they met, it was evident to Gwaine that Merlin loved the Prince more than he loved his own life. Contrary to the popular belief Gwaine wasn't stupid. Gwaine saw how Merlin defended the Prince with undying loyalty, how he spoke about Arthur with obvious admiration in his voice, how he would risk his life to save Arthur's life, how he would follow Arthur wherever he went and be there by his side. Merlin did more for Arthur than a normal, regular manservant would do for a Prince. He went beyond his line of duties for Arthur. And Gwaine knew why. He knew it was because Merlin loved Arthur with all his pure heart and soul. And the Prince Arthur, although he didn't show it in the conventional manner, loved Merlin back too. He cared for Merlin more than any other royalty would care for their servants. He regarded Merlin's opinion above others, he worried about Merlin when he was in danger and he would smile whenever Merlin said something clever and witty to insult him instead of punishing him. But Gwaine soon learned that Arthur did not love Merlin in the way Merlin loved Arthur. Yes, Arthur cared a great deal about Merlin his manservant and regarded him as his trustworthy friend and equal and probably wouldn't last a day without Merlin but he did not love him in the way Merlin wanted and deserved to be loved. That love was possessed by none other than his beautiful wife, Guinevere who he married after becoming King. 

And that was the problem. Merlin loved Arthur but Arthur loved another.

Gwaine hoped that in time Merlin would get over his love for Arthur but he was a fool to ever think that. If anything, Merlin's love for Arthur grew stronger in time and he spent more time with the King that anyone in the castle did as he was Arthur's personal manservant so that was to be naturally expected. But that hadn't stopped Gwaine from hoping, from having the tiniest flicker of hope that Merlin would just for a moment notice that there was someone other than Arthur, someone who cared for Merlin, who noticed him, who loved him with all his heart.

Someone like Gwaine.

Gwaine liked Merlin from the moment they met. Gwaine had noticed the clever, lanky, bright blue eyed boy with long black eyelashes, sharp cheekbones and beautiful pouty pink lips the moment he walked into the tavern. He felt his heart thump faster and wondered what it was like to have that boy so close to him, in his arms. But then Gwaine noticed the strong, muscular blonde haired man that accompanied the blue eyed boy. The blue eyed boy was saying something, very annoyed with blonde man who was rolling his eyes at the boy. Gwaine thought they looked like a bickering old married couple as they sat down and ordered their drinks. He turned away from the beautiful sight of the lanky and snow white pale boy knowing that he couldn't have him, knowing that he belonged at the side of the blonde man.

But then their had been a few thugs who had come to the tavern and demanded money from the lovely Mary and the blonde haired man had taken action. The thugs threatened him but the blue eyed boy just snickered at them. Gwaine was pleasantly surprised at that because he thought the boy was more likely to be shy but oh no he had a wit of his own which unfortunately annoyed both the thugs and his friend and resulted in more thugs entering the bar. The blonde haired man was clearly annoyed with his friend and seeing this scene Gwaine couldn't resist joining in. 

Five seconds later the bar fight commenced. 

While Gwaine was fighting he noticed that the blonde haired man and the blue eyed boy had each others backs just like two sides of the coin. Annoyed by that sight, he punched a few thugs in the face until he spotted the lanky, blue eyed beauty behind the bar and made his way towards him dragging an unconscious thug.

"Pass me the jug will ya?" he had said with a charming smile.

The boy had obliged and passed the jug and Gwaine took a sip but then the boy seemed to warn Gwaine of an impending danger and Gwaine punched the man who approached to hit him and turned around and had smiled flirtily at the lanky, pale, beautiful boy 

"What do they call you then?"

The boy had seemed taken aback and shocked as he had replied offering his hand "Merlin."

"Gwaine. Pleasure to meet you. " he had replied pleased finally that he had got a name and shook Merlin's hand which was calloused yet soft and warm at the same time. Merlin's eyes filled with shock as it focused on something behind Gwaine as he opened his mouth to say something but Gwaine had smoothly smashed the jug of mead onto the approaching thug's head without taking his eyes off Merlin and then had smiled at him "Such a waste huh?" 

Gwaine came back to the reality of squeals of the dancing ladies and the merry music of the banquet in Camelot from that precious memory. Where was that Merlin? The one he had met so long ago, the Merlin with the positive attitude and the cheerful smile. He wanted Merlin back. He hated seeing Merlin so lonely, so miserable, so downcast and so haunted. He wanted to do something, to comfort Merlin and to show him that he will always be there for him.

Gwaine eyes flickered once more to the place where Merlin had been standing but to his surprise Merlin wasn't there. Merlin had disappeared. He had left the banquet hall. Where did he go? Gwaine needed to find Merlin and see if he was okay. Gwaine needed to make sure Merlin didn't do anything stupid. And he was doing this all because he was Merlin's friend.

Friend. Yes. That's all he'll ever be to Merlin. A friend.


	2. Enchanting Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fading in, fading out  
> On the edge of paradise  
> Every inch of your skin is a holy gray I've got to find  
> Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire  
> Yeah, I'll let you set the pace  
> 'Cause I'm not thinking straight  
> My head spinning around I can't see clear no more  
> What are you waiting for?
> 
> (Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding)

Gwaine left the merry making in the banquet and walked along the quiet corridors of the castle. He could hear the music and the laughter and the chattering but it was like a distant buzzing to his ears. As he walked along the hall with the intention of finding his friend, he saw a figure standing near window in the darkness.

Merlin.

He walked towards Merlin and placed his hand gently on the boy's shoulder. Merlin jumped up and yelped in surprised but then calmed down when he saw who it was.

"Gwaine!" Merlin exclaimed his heart still racing from the shock "You scared me."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to." apologized Gwaine with a smile.

"It's okay." said Merlin trying to smile but for some reason he couldn't "Why aren't you at the banquet?"

"Figured it's no point being there any more. Since you weren't there." replied Gwaine casually.

Merlin gave a bark of laughter which startled Gwaine because this one was different to the laughter he had heard from Merlin. This laughter was cold and dark and cruel. 

"Is that true Sir Gwaine?" snarled Merlin in a mocking tone "Tired of playing soldiers are you?"

Gwaine looked at Merlin startled "What's wrong Merlin? Whatever it is you can tell me."

"Why do you think something is wrong?" asked Merlin suddenly withdrawing from Gwaine, feeling uncomfortable at Gwaine's expression of concern "Everything is just incredible."

"Is it?" asked Gwaine softly

"I'm fine Gwaine. Really. I am fine." insisted Merlin trying to convince the knight but wondering whether he was trying to convince himself.

"You don't look fine." said Gwaine looking at Merlin.

"Then stop looking!" shouted Merlin his voice echoing through the quiet corridors. Gwaine was not surprised at Merlin's reaction but he felt hurt as Merlin looked at his with uncried tears shining in his eyes "Why won't you stop looking?"

"Because." Gwaine took a step forward towards Merlin "Because contrary to what you believe Merlin, you're not a ghost to me. I see you when you try so hard to blend in and be invisible." Gwaine took another step towards Merlin who had frozen and lost his ability to move and now they were standing very close "Because you mean a great deal to me." Gwaine's hands snaked around Merlin's waist gently making the boy gasp in surprise "And because you're very, very, very beautiful."

"I'm not beautiful." muttered Merlin unable to meet Gwaine's eyes.

"Yes you are." insisted Gwaine and then lifted Merlin's chin up with his finger so that their eyes met "Merlin you're so very beautiful."

"Gwaine." murmured Merlin but Gwaine had reached and pressed a gentle and tender kiss onto Merlin's forehead. 

"You - I - Sometimes I feel like I can disappear and no one will notice. No one will care." confessed Merlin sighing in comfort as he felt Gwaine's lips pressed tenderly upon his forehead.

"I will care. I always care Merlin." said Gwaine softly pulling Merlin closer to him and their bodies pressed against each other in warm heat. Gwaine heard Merlin let out a small groan but he dismissed it as a figment of his horny imagination.

"Then care for me." said Merlin with a tone of determination in his voice "Take care of me Gwaine."

Gwaine wondered whether he heard Merlin right because he looked in surprise at Merlin whose eyes were shining with determination "Merlin - I - you're in love with Arthur."

"I want to forget Arthur, Gwaine." whispered Merlin his blue eyes puppy like and pleading and Gwaine was at his last shred of self control because fuck no one should be allowed to look this gorgeous "I want to forget."

Gwaine was holding onto the last bit of self control he had when Merlin whispered three words seductively into his ear "Make me forget."

It was at that moment Gwaine lost it and slammed Merlin into the wall as his lips covered Merlin's in a slow and tender yet filthy and hot kiss that made Merlin feel weak in the knees and Gwaine's head explode with fireworks. He had been waiting for this moment for so long, he had been waiting to kiss Merlin, to ravish Merlin for so long and now it was finally happening. Gwaine couldn't believe it. But before Gwaine went further, he wanted to make absolutely sure that Merlin wanted this as much as he did.

Gwaine pulled back to see Merlin's slightly dazed face and chucked softly as he pecked Merlin softly and gently on the lips again and again. 

"Why did you stop?" whined Merlin looking at Gwaine slightly dazed.

"I want to know if you want this Merlin." said Gwaine in concern "I don't want to take advantage of you be - "

But he whatever he was about to say was forgotten because Merlin had slammed his lips onto Gwaine's and was kissing him like his life depended on it. Gwaine felt Merlin's arms wrap across his neck and pull him closer and Merlin's long fingers running through his long, luscious brown hair and Gwaine groaned into the kiss feeling and loving every second of it. The heat from each other's bodies were seeping into each other's and Gwaine who had his arms wrapped around Merlin was now running his hands all over Merlin's body, every round and dip of his shoulders, the miles and miles of smooth skin, and the curves of his body and finally his hands land on Merlin's arse. Gwaine can't control himself anymore, he squeezes the swell of Merlin's arse making Merlin moan into his mouth and Christ he can feel the heat pooling in his stomach just at the mere sound Merlin made. He squeezes Merlin's arse again and again and spanks it making Merlin moan over and over and over again into his mouth. And he can feel Merlin's tongue inside his mouth, ravishing it all over, battling for domination with his tongue and making him feel weak everywhere. Christ if he had known Merlin was such a great kisser he would have kissed him sooner.

He pulls away from Merlin's mouth with great difficulty, inciting a sound of disapproval from Merlin but Merlin isn't disappointed for long because Gwaine starts kissing Merlin's face. He leaves gentle and tender kisses all over jawlines and then proceeds to kiss Merlin's neck to which Merlin lets out a series of whimpers. Gwaine smirks to himself and starts kissing and biting and suckling Merlin's neck making Merlin make sounds that he never knew Merlin could make and Gwaine feels Merlin jump up on him and wrap his legs around him. He bites a spot on Merlin's milk white slender neck which makes Merlin throw back his head and moan 'Gwaine!' in the most filthy way possible and Gwaine keeps kissing and sucking it so hard that it will leave hickey all over Merlin's neck in the morning. In a selfish way, he wanted everyone to see that Merlin was taken care of, that he had the best time in the world, and that he belonged to no one but Gwaine and only Gwaine could make Merlin feel this way. 

Gwaine pulls back and looks at Merlin whose eyes are blown back in wonder and lust "Let me take care of you Merlin."

Gwaine fumbles with taking off Merlin's scarf and shirt and he feels Merlin's growing erection rubbing on his as Merlin has his legs wrapped around him. Gwaine takes off Merlin's shirt and immediately starts ravishing and worshiping every part of Merlin's skin leaving kisses everywhere on Merlin's chest and stomach and stopping to pinch Merlin's nipples and suck on them making Merlin gasp in delight and excitement. Gwaine's hands wander down to Merlin's cock and he rubs it lightly through Merlin's breeches making him throw back his head and groan. Merlin palmed at Gwaine's shirt trying to get it off and Gwaine laughed softly as he took off his own shirt.

"Better now?"

"Much, much better." purred Merlin running his hands up and down Gwaine's sculpted chest making Gwaine's erection rise.

Merlin reached to kiss Gwaine's neck but Gwaine palmed his cock through his breeches making Merlin groan again "Not tonight love." whispered Gwaine to a moaning Merlin "Tonight is all about you."

Merlin unwrapped his legs from Gwaine's waist and Gwaine fumbled with Merlin's breeches trying to open and finally in impatience ripped apart his breeches making Merlin laugh softly. The breeches fell onto the floor leaving Merlin exposed and naked in the darkness illuminated by the milky moonlight and all Gwaine could think was looking at the beautiful man in front of him how much he wanted to taste him. 

"See something you like?" asked Merlin nervously wondering whether Gwaine was thinking of backing out

"Fuck Merlin." growled Gwaine as he leaned towards Merlin rubbing his own cock tucked away in his breeches along Merlin's cock making Merlin feel a painfully pleasurable sensation "You are just - there's no - " Gwaine said as he slowly thrust his hips again and again making Merlin hiss.

"Gwaine!"

"Yes, love?" asked Gwaine innocently as he thrust slowly again. 

"Get on with it!" hissed Merlin trying to glare through his half closed eyes in pleasure.

"Demanding eh?" asked Gwaine as he thrust again laughing "Well if you insist."

With that Gwaine went down on his knees nipping and licking Merlin's body and then suddenly Gwaine's tongue was on Merlin's tongue swirling and stroking it. Gods, Gwaine's tongue was so good it should be illegal thought Merlin as he moaned, his eyes closed enjoying the wonderful feeling Gwaine's tongue was giving him. Then suddenly Gwaine was sucking him, his whole length in Gwaine's mouth and Merlin let a cry of ecstasy as he gripped Gwaine's hair and thrust into Gwaine's mouth again and again feeling fireworks explode all throughout him. He was so engrossed in the gorgeous and wonderful feeling of ecstasy that Gwaine's tongue was making him feel that he was shocked when he felt Gwaine slip a finger into his hole and started moving it up and down while sucking his cock. When Gwaine slipped two fingers inside him while swirling his gorgeous tongue around his cock Merlin thought he might have died and gone to heaven because it was just the most incredible, pleasurable feeling in the world. Suddenly he could feel all the heat pooling in his stomach and with a harsh and strangled cry he came hot and heavy down into Gwaine's throat. 

Merlin's legs trembled and he almost collapsed had not Gwaine caught him "That was - mind blowing."

Gwaine sucked a bit of Merlin's cum from his thumb and sent a wink at Merlin "I live to please."

Merlin smiled at Gwaine as he felt limp but then he couldn't help it his eyes strayed towards the huge bulge in Gwaine's breeches. 

Gwaine's eyes followed where Merlin's did and then looked at Merlin with a smirk "I'm going to fuck you with it."

Merlin swallowed having no objection to that idea. Merlin felt the air in his lungs leave as Gwaine's lips met his and he was against the wall. They kissed hard and filthy, their tongues battling for dominance and feeling the heat, warmth and electricity bounce of each other and Merlin fumbled with Gwaine's breeches untying them as Gwaine ran one of his hands through Merlin's hair and the other all over his body. It was very distracting for Merlin but finally Gwaine's trousers pooled on the floor revealing a large cock and Merlin mewled as he felt Gwaine settle between them rubbing his cock against Merlin's. 

"Gwaine." moaned Merlin as he looked into the chocolate brown eyes of the handsome knight.

"Merlin - bloody hell!" moaned Gwaine as he kissed Merlin once again and then pulled back to look at him "It should be illegal for someone to be this gorgeous."

Before Merlin could reply Gwaine had opened Merlin's legs and licked his lips and then looked at Merlin who nodded breathlessly and then Gwaine entered into him with one hard thrust, his arms wrapping around Merlin's thighs to keep him steady. Then he thrust again and again into Merlin and Merlin's mouth fell open as he gasped and screamed filty curses and moaned Gwaine's name over and over again while Gwaine kept grunting and moaning Merlin's name.

"GWAINE!!! FUCK !! OH GODS GWAINE!!! RIGHT THERE!!! JUST LIKE THAT!!!"

"FUCK! FUCK! YOU FEEL SO GOOD BABY!!! YOU'RE KILLING ME MERLIN!!!"

Gwaine grabbed Merlin's hands pining them to the wall and suddenly realized that this was it. After this there would be no going back. This would be where he and Merlin decides who they truly want to be to each other. This could be the last time he got to be inside Merlin, to feel Merlin and to hold Merlin in his arms. This could be the last time where he makes Merlin scream and writhe and moan this way. Gwaine looked at Merlin who was looking back with his bright blue eyes lit with lust and passion and fondness? - no it couldn't be. Gwaine thrust and thrust each and every single time into Merlin looking tenderly into his eyes watching Merlin throw back his head in pleasure, writhing and moaning beneath him. 

Merlin felt that familiar feeling curling up in his belly, in his spine and his toes, all through out his body as he came all over and Gwaine shuddered in total and complete pleasure as a second later he came inside Merlin. 

Gwaine almost fell on top of Merlin feeling breathless and Merlin pushed him away "OWWW!!! What was that for?"

"You were crushing me, dummy." retorted Merlin rolling his eyes at Gwaine who smiled back at him.

"Oh you weren't complaining when I - " began Gwaine but was shut up by Merlin's lips softly and gently kissing him and Gwaine melted into the warmth and comfort of the kiss.

They kissed for a few moments and pulled away for air grinning like idiots. Merlin looked at Gwaine with a smile, a real and genuine smile that Gwaine hadn't seen a long time "Thank you Gwaine."

"Don't mention it beautiful." replied Gwaine feeling his heart thundering at the sight of Merlin's cheerful smile.

Merlin wrapped his arms around Gwaine's neck as he whispered "No really, thank you."

"I'd do anything for you Merlin." said Gwaine swallowing the lump that was threatening to engulf his throat as he wrapped his arms around Merlin.

"Really?" asked Merlin with a mischievous smile

"Oh I don't like that look." groaned Gwaine burying his face in Merlin's shoulder that smelt of wine, damp earth and salt.

"What? What look?" asked Merlin amused.

"You have that look." said Gwaine raising his head "It usually comes on when you're up to no good."

"Well I was going to ask whether - well never mind." swallowed Merlin and Gwaine cocked his head.

"What is it Merlin?" asked Gwaine in concern but Merlin unwrapped himself from Gwaine's embrace as he started to dress quickly. And by quickly, it was like he was dressed in five seconds.

"Nothing." said Merlin shaking his head and then smiled at Gwaine and quickly leaned up and kissed Gwaine's cheek lightly "Good night Gwaine."

Then he left and was gone as quickly as he dressed. Vanished. Disappeared.

He frowned at Merlin's vanished figure. He had hoped to talk to Merlin a little bit more but to Merlin it was just sex. A way of forgetting Arthur. But to Gwaine this night meant everything. It was the most memorable, sparkling, enchanting night with the most beautiful man he knew and he would never in his lifetime forget the way it felt. 

Gwaine touched the place on his cheek where Merlin's lips had touched and smiled to himself. 

And then suddenly realized he was naked and decided to get dressed too in case the King and Queen of Camelot came by and got a heart attack and died early.


	3. Touch of Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now my whole week, my whole week is golden  
> Can you see me glowing? That's how I feel 
> 
> (Touch - Little Mix )

Merlin woke up to Gaius' cross voice yelling at him, every part of his body sore and aching but in a good way. As he blinked open his eyes in the morning sunlight that filtered through his window, the memories of last night started flooding in. The way Gwaine had looked at him with fondness, the way Gwaine and him had kissed with passion and lust, the way they both moved together the lust of their bodies and the heat of the moment overwhelming them, all came back to Merlin. He wondered whether it was all just a beautiful and wondrous dream but the half ripped clothes on Merlin's floor was evidence enough to him that it wasn't a dream, that it had all been real. He smiled to himself and wished with all his heart that he could go back to sleep but he was already late to serve his royal dollophead and his Queen breakfast this morning.

Merlin got out of bed with great difficulty and washed himself up and put on his usual blue shirt and brown breeches and boots and he searched for a scarf to wrap around his neck and he realized that he had put all his scarves to wash and the last good one was the one that Gwaine had ripped off last night. He groaned loudly and touched his neck gingerly feeling all the bite marks that Gwaine had savagely in a lustful passion left on his neck and cursed softly. Now he had to parade around the castle without a scarf showing his purple hickey neck to every single Knight, maid, and manservant. And including his ward Gaius and his King Arthur and Queen Guinevere. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck Gwaine.

Oh wait, he had already done that last night.

Merlin cursed again and hurried out of his bedroom and rushed out of the Physician's Chambers like the wind with a quick goodbye to Gaius. He ran through the castle corridors until he reached very familiar chambers and knocked on it. 

"Come in." said a very cross, annoyed and familiar voice from inside. 

Merlin entered to find Arthur and Guinevere already dressed up and eating a full, warm and sumptuous breakfast. Merlin tried his very best not to glare at Gwen who was giggling at something Arthur had said before Merlin had entered. He always tried his very best not to be annoyed by Gwen's presence because ever since Arthur and Gwen had got married, things changed drastically between Merlin and Arthur. Before the Arthur married Gwen, Merlin didn't need to knock on the doors of Arthur's chambers to enter, he could just saunter in and he would be welcome by an arrogant remark and a cheeky smile. Before the marriage, Merlin had the privilege of dressing and undressing Arthur and pouring his bathwater day and night but now that was possessed by his dear wife Guinevere. Before all of this, it was Merlin who always would sit down and eat breakfast with Arthur. He loved having breakfast with Arthur because sitting beside Arthur, bantering playfully with him and giving his opinions to Arthur who asked him advice on matters of Camelot made him feel like an equal and a friend to the royal Crown Prince of Camelot and not just some lowly, common manservant. But now it was Gwen sitting in the place where he should have been sitting and giving advice to the King which he should have been giving and he was back in the shadows again, as an invisible manservant coming into the light only when his master needed him. Merlin hated it, he hated that he was treated like a fool when he was so much more powerful than they all were. He hated that he was made to sit in the darkness of the shadows when he could kill them all and burn down their kingdoms with just a flick of his hand. But Merlin bowed his head down and played the part of the entertaining fool for Arthur and all for Arthur. Because Merlin loved Arthur and he would do anything for him.

But yesterday night, he didn't feel invisible and he didn't feel like he was a stupid fool. He felt more than that when he was been held in Gwaine's arms, kissed and worshiped by Gwaine. He felt loved and needed and worthy and beautiful and he hadn't felt like that for a very long time. He couldn't remember what it felt like to be loved and to be reminded of that feeling by the most handsome and strongest knight in the kingdom was a strange yet warm and wondrous feeling. 

An annoyed voice interrupted his thoughts "There you are Mer - lin. Late as always."

Merlin looked at the stunning face of his unrequited love "I live to please, My Lord."

"Well, you're definition of 'pleasing' must be different from mine." retorted Arthur rolling his eyes at Merlin

"It depends on how you define it." replied Merlin cleverly with a smirk. 

Arthur opened his mouth to retort back something equally clever but Gwen interrupted their banter "Merlin, collect the dishes and clean up the table please. I think we're all done now."

"Yes, My Lady. I'm dreadfully sorry, My Lady." replied Merlin sarcasm dripping from his voice as he bowed to her and she had the decency to look away from him ashamed. 

Merlin began collecting the plates and as he started on the job he began whistling a merry tune with cheerful smile, happy and content from the events of yesterday night. Arthur who was looking at some important papers looked up in surprise at Merlin cheerfully doing his job because Merlin never cheerfully did his chores. Merlin cleared up the plates and started scrubbing the table with a grin and started whistling a different tune, this time more cheerful than the other. Arthur who was trying to concentrate on his important papers regarding the crops by ignoring Merlin but his efforts were in vain because he couldn't ignore the change in his manservant for very long.

"For the love of Camelot!" snapped Arthur making Merlin drop a plate with apples and Gwen jump up in surprise "What is wrong with you?"

"Me?" asked Merlin who pointed at himself and looked behind to see if there was any other person Arthur was glaring at.

"Yes, you!" replied Arthur "Do you see any other person who is annoying and irritating?"

"Well, sire - " began Merlin with the mind to tell that another person who was annoying and irritating was blonde haired prat but Arthur held up his hand.

"Enough ! What is up with you? You're - you're - cheerful !" exclaimed Arthur in shock.

"I'm always cheerful!" protested Merlin bending down to collect the apples that were on the floor

"Not when you're doing chores. You hate doing chores. You complain my ears off when you're doing chores." replied Arthur shaking his head.

Merlin stood up with a platter of apples and cocked his head "Why Sire, I had no idea that you paid so much attention to me."

"I don't - " began Arthur and then his sharp blue eyes focused on the marks on Merlin's neck "What is that ?"

Merlin saw where Arthur's eyes had landed and cursed Gwaine internally as he shrugged "Oh I fell down the stairs this morning."

"On your neck?" asked Arthur his eyebrows raised high.

"It was several flight of stairs." replied Merlin casually. 

"You don't fool me, Merlin." said Arthur glaring at him.

"Well, you could have fooled me." snickered Merlin but Arthur snapped at him.

"Who is she Merlin?" asked Arthur and there was a dangerous glint in his blue eyes that Merlin knew too well. He had seen it before Arthur had defeated his enemies and made them bow down to his glory and might.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Arthur." replied Merlin calmly hoping it would settle Arthur down but knowing he was wrong.

"The girl who gave you those hickeys. The girl who makes you so happy that you smile and sing." said Arthur looking at Merlin with a look of determination and a strange look that Merlin hadn't seen in his eyes before when it came to him. Was it fear ? No it couldn't be.

"I assure you Arthur, there is no girl." replied Merlin thinking that for once in his life he was telling the truth.

Arthur opened his mouth to protest but Gwen stepped in "Arthur, let him be. I'm sure Merlin wants to keep the details a secret."

"There are no details to keep a secret." said Merlin rolling his eyes playfully.

"Merlin is in love, Arthur." said Gwen with a knowing smile "I'm so happy for you Merlin. Whoever she is I'm sure she is a lucky girl."

Merlin almost dropped the plate of apples as he spluttered "I am not in love !"

"We understand, Merlin." said Gwen with a teasing and understanding smile "Your secret is safe with us."

"Oh I'm ever so grateful." replied Merlin sarcastically and playfully to Gwen who grinned at him and he grinned back feeling their old bond of friendship return back and then Merlin left a giggling Gwen and a sulky Arthur in the royal chambers as he rushed out swiftly as possible with the plates of leftover food to the kitchen hoping that they would never ever talk about this again.


	4. Love Struck Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby, baby, I feel crazy  
> Up all night, all night and every day  
> I gave you something, but you gave me nothing  
> What is happening to me?
> 
> ( I Don't Wanna Live Forever - Zayn ft Taylor Swift )

Gwaine hadn't seen Merlin anywhere today.

In retrospect, Gwaine should have expected this but like the lovestruck fool he was he still had some hope that Merlin would come around and talk to him about last night. But he had searched for Merlin all over the castle and Merlin was nowhere to be found and he had come to a grave and heartbreaking conclusion.

Merlin was avoiding him.

He mentally punched himself over and over again. He was so stupid ! What was he thinking, kissing and having sex with Merlin and ruining a perfectly good friendship with the only true friend he had in Camelot just because of the intense crush he had on this beautiful man for several years. He had to go let his horny hormones and his love struck heart control him without rationally using his mind and analyzing the advantages and disadvantages of having spending an amazing night with Merlin. But let's be real, when did he ever use his brain ? When did anyone ever use their brain in the matters of heart and passion ?

Urgh now he was thinking like that boring, philosophical bookworm Geoffrey. What the hell was happening to him ?

But last night with Merlin was all of his dreams come true. Holding Merlin in his arms was just the most wonderful thing he had ever experienced. Kissing Merlin and being inside Merlin was just mind blowing, heart racing, once in a life time and magical. Gwaine had a reputation, he had slept with women and men, he didn't discriminate but nothing could come close to the joy and wonder of last night he had with Merlin. Gwaine wondered whether he would ever feel like that again. He doubted that he would ever feel that feeling of euphoria and wonder rush through his body and joy burst through his heart again. 

Dammit!!! He was Gwaine the Player Extraordinaire! He slept with countless of people whose names he couldn't remember and left them before anything could go further. He snatched hearts by his charming good looks and broke them by crumbling them into pieces. He shouldn't feel this way about some one night stand he had with a man, a friend who would never return his feelings back. He shouldn't be catching feelings because Gwaine never caught feelings. All of this was beautiful Merlin's fault.

Gwaine walked into the armory enamored by his heavy thoughts that he didn't see who else was there and bumped into a blonde haired, cornflower blue eyed man who happened to be the King of Camelot.

"Gwaine!" said Arthur annoyed and amused at the chestnut haired man who bumped into him "Really, watch where you are going."

"Sorry, sorry, Princess." said Gwaine nonchalantly raising his hands up. "Didn't see you there."

"Didn't see him there?" asked Lancelot who was next to Arthur "He was practically in your way."

"Well, Lancey, I've got things on my mind." replied Gwaine shrugging.

"You're thinking!" exclaimed Arthur his mouth dropping in surprise "Well, today really showed me that wonders never cease."

Maybe it was Arthur's words or the way his said them that made Gwaine turn around and ask "What do you mean?"

"Well, you're thinking and Merlin's abnormally cheerful." replied Arthur "Wonders never cease."

"Merlin's cheerful?" asked Gwaine curiously 

"Yeah." nodded Arthur "Normally he's just grumpy when he does chores and I haven't seen him smile in days but today he was whistling and smiling like a lunatic."

A flicker of hope began to light up in Gwaine's heart and he tried to sound casual as possible "Well what do you reckon made him act this way?"

"I think Merlin is in love." piped in Lancelot and Arthur frowned at the statement.

Gwaine's mouth dropped in surprise as his heart began to race "In love? With whom?"

"Well, he didn't say to Arthur." said Lancelot patiently " But it's obvious isn't it? The endless whistling, the merry smiling and let's not forget the purple hickeys on his neck."

Gwaine nearly choked on his spit in disbelief "The what now?"

"The purple hickeys, Gwaine." said Arthur with a frown "You should have seen him parading around the castle with his neck open showing off the bite marks."

Gwaine ignored the slight stirring in his breeches at the image of the description and looked at Arthur and wondered if he misheard the hint of jealousy in the King's voice "Well, I'm glad he's happy."

"Me too. Merlin deserves all the happiness in the world." replied Lancelot truthfully and with all the goodness of his heart.

"You're right, but for my sake I hope that whoever this new girl in his life is, doesn't put him off his duties." remarked Arthur to Lancelot and Gwaine who laughed.

Then suddenly a bright idea struck Gwaine "Do you know where Merlin is now, Arthur?" 

"Well, I think he is normally in the Physician's chambers at this time." replied Arthur puzzled and cocked his head to the side "Why?"

"I haven't talked to him in a while." replied Gwaine smoothly and smirked at them "Sometimes I get tired of playing soldiers."

"Well don't drag him to the tavern." advised Arthur rolling his eyes at Gwaine "And don't distract him from his duties. You can be a very bad influence on Merlin."

"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, Princess." replied Gwaine with a cheeky smirk and walked out of the armory quickly in the direction of the Physician's chambers to find Merlin.


	5. Anything For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I could take the back road  
> But your eyes will lead me straight back home  
> And if you know me like I know you  
> You should love me, you should know  
> Friends just sleep in another bed  
> And friends don't treat me like you do  
> Well I know that there's a limit to everything  
> But my friends won't love me like you  
> No, my friends won't love me like you
> 
> (Friends by Ed Sheeran)

Merlin wasn't hiding. 

No, contrary to popular belief he wasn't a coward. No, he wasn't a frightened and scared coward who ran away from battles. He was an all powerful warlock and the last dragonlord who had bravely defeated Morgana several times, taken on griffins, witches, sorcerers, a troll, goblin and a bloody dragon for heavens sake and saved Arthur and Camelot more times than he could count. He had been poisoned by the most powerful sorceress of the old religion and survived and killed her with lightning, almost got burnt at the stake but survived that one with pure talent and luck, and bitten by serkets and survived thanks to his inheritance of dragonlord talents. For Gods sake Merlin had taken on and survived the most deadliest and dangerous creatures that Camelot offered, his royal clotpole, King Arthur Pratdragon. 

So no, Merlin wasn't a coward who was hiding away from Gwaine.

Merlin was cherishing what few little leisure time he had before Arthur got back from a training session with Lancelot and started yelling at him and piling him with more and more chores to do. He was cherishing the peace and quiet of not hearing Arthur's angry roar of 'MERLIN!!!' by reading a book filled with fairy tales that his mother had gifted to him on his sixteenth birthday back at Ealdor. He hardly got any time to himself since Arthur became King and now it was really nice to just kick back and relax and read a book that took him back home. Merlin opened the book and soon was lost in the fairy tales of wolves and innocent girls with red riding hoods and the mermaid with long red hair and beautiful voice who loved a man on land who never loved her back and the fisherman and the golden fish and beautiful princess and the ugly frog. He was chuckling in amusement at the story of the Emperor's New Clothes when the door of the Physician's chambers swung open loudly making Merlin jump up in surprise and in swaggered in the last person he expected to see today.

"Gwaine!" exclaimed Merlin in surprise and shock at the knight being here. 

"Ah Merlin!" said Gwaine with a bright smile "Good to see you!"

"Um - yes." replied Merlin not knowing what to say to that because what do you say to a friend who you had sex with "Nice to see you too."

"I've been searching every where for you." said Gwaine closing the door, making Merlin gulp.

"Have you?" squeaked Merlin nervously. 

"I couldn't find you anywhere. It's like - " Gwaine paused for a moment before he said "You're avoiding me."

"No!" protested Merlin closing the book and standing up "Of course I'm not."

"Really?" asked Gwaine raising his eyebrows "So that's why - never mind."

"Gwaine. I promise I haven't been avoiding you. It's just that today's been so busy." replied Merlin taking a few steps towards Gwaine to reassure him.

Gwaine looked at Merlin for a few moments and then asked "Hey can I - um - talk to you about last night?"

"What about it ?" asked Merlin shifting from one foot to another nervously.

"Nothing. I just thought - well - " stammered Gwaine nervously, running his hand through his hair "I just thought we both had an amazing night together. And then you vanished all of a sudden like a ghost, so I just thought, well, that you didn't like it or enjoy it."

Merlin's reaction was instantaneous and immediate as he walked quickly across the room towards Gwaine and touched his cheek gently with his hand "Oh Gods no, no, no, no, no Gwaine. No way. It was amazing and incredible and the best night of my life."

Gwaine leaned into Merlin's gentle touch and smiled at him in relief and Merlin smiled back at him "You made me forget Gwaine. You made me happy. Even if it was for one night. Thank you."

"Well." said Gwaine swallowing the lump in his throat as he nuzzled and leaned into Merlin's touch "I'd do anything for you Merlin."

Merlin smiled at Gwaine and suddenly realized that he was touching Gwaine's cheek and took his hand off Gwaine's cheek. The loss of warm contact with Merlin's skin left Gwaine feeling cold and empty. 

Gwaine looked at Merlin " Where does this leave us then?"

"Well, I hope this hasn't ruined our friendship." said Merlin smiling nervously yet brightly at him and Gwaine knew exactly what Merlin was going to say but kept hoping against all odds that he wouldn't say it "I mean, I like to be, I hope we still can be friends?"

Gwaine never understood the phrase 'the world came crashing down'. But as Merlin uttered the words ' I hope we still can be friends?' Gwaine's world came crashing down beside him because he understood the truth. He felt all the hope he had in his heart been sucked out and drained out of him. He understood that no matter how much he loved Merlin, Merlin would never love him back. He understood that no matter how much he was willing to give and do for Merlin, Merlin would never give anything back for him, not in the way he wanted, not in the way he deserved. And worse of all, he understood how Merlin felt about Arthur, how he felt to see the one he loved, hopelessly and completely in love with another when the one standing right in front of him could love him better. 

But Gwaine only smiled as he replied and offered his hand to Merlin " Like I said Merlin, anything you want."

"Friends?" asked Merlin taking Gwaine's hand in his own with a brilliantly dazzling smile which made Gwaine's heart ache.

"Friends" replied Gwaine shaking Merlin's hand feeling his heart break into pieces knowing they will never be more than that.


	6. Little Did He Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little do you know  
> How I’m breaking while you fall asleep  
> Little do you know  
> I’m still haunted by the memory  
> Little do you know  
> I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece  
> Little do you know  
> I need a little more time
> 
> (Little Do You Know - Alex and Sierra )

Merlin was at another banquet, serving Arthur making sure his cup didn't run dry and his plate didn't go empty. This banquet was in honor of the treaty concluded between Camelot and Lord Eldred's Kingdom and tonight was full of celebration and merry making at the great achievement of both kingdoms. Merlin was smiling and nodding and blending into the shadows as usual stepping up when needed. He was standing beside Gwen's maid Sefa who was doing the very same thing. 

"It's lovely ain't it?" asked a soft voice and Merlin looked to see Sefa's blue eyes looking at him

"Yeah, it is." he replied smiling back at the girl "Except for serving the pompous royals part."

Sefa giggled but still looked shocked "You can't talk like that!"

"Well why not?" asked Merlin challengingly with a smile on his face.

"Because they're our King and Queen." said Sefa "And besides Queen Guinevere is not a pompous royal. She is ever so lovely to me."

"Yes, she is, isn't she?" said Merlin with a sigh looking at the gracious and beautiful woman who sat beside Arthur "It's impossible to hate someone who is so kind and lovely."

"I agree." said Sefa nodding her head "And besides she isn't really royal. She used to be one of us, servants before she became Queen."

Merlin nodded his head not saying anything to that and Sefa took that as encouragement to continue talking "Is it true you were friends with the Queen Guinevere before she married King Arthur?"

"Yes." said Merlin nodding at Sefa, swallowing the lump of nostalgia for the good old days of innocence, laughter and simplicity that was between Gwen and him "It's true."

Maybe it was the way Merlin spoke about their friendship or something that flickered in his eyes when he spoke that made Sefa stop asking further more questions. Merlin looked around the room full of Lords and Ladies and Knights when he saw Gwaine looking at him. There was something dancing in Gwaine's chocolate brown eyes that Merlin couldn't quite place, fondness, tenderness, playfulness and jealousy ? What did Gwaine have to be jealous of ? Serving wine and food for Arthur and standing on his feet all evening? It was a laughable thought and Merlin smiled brightly at Gwaine who smiled at Merlin brilliantly and sent him a wink making Merlin's heart jump a little out of his chest. He blushed a pink that the strawberries of Camelot would have been envious of and smiled shyly at Gwaine and tucked his head down and looked down at his feet trying to calm down his heart which was jumping up and down for some strange reason. When he looked up, Gwaine wasn't looking at him anymore, he was paying attention to the muscular and strong knight Sir Percival. Merlin's eyes narrowed as he looked at the two talking and laughing. They both were sitting very close to each other, their shoulders brushing against each other and they were laughing about something that they only they found hilarious. Merlin felt a strange twinge hurt his heart as he watched Gwaine throw back his head and roar with laughter at some comment Sir Percival had made and touch his arm intimately. The strange twinge Merlin had felt was now growing into a rope that was curling around Merlin's heart and tightening it every single moment. Merlin gripped the jug of wine he was holding tightly as he watched Gwaine place his head on Percival's large shoulder and - 

"Merlin !!!!" a way too familiar voice pulled him out of his observation.

Merlin looked to see Arthur with raised eyebrows looking at him and then at the empty goblet and Merlin walked towards him and started pouring the wine to the King's goblet. But for some reason, his heart was beating fast and his hands were shaking and half of the wine spilt from the jug to Arthur's hand.

"Merlin!" exclaimed Arthur, exasperated and annoyed.

"Uh - oh - I'm sorry my Lord." began Merlin apologetically but he was interrupted by a deep and rough voice

"This servant boy of yours should be punished severely. Behavior like this should not be tolerated from lowly, common filth." said Lord Eldred to Arthur.

The whole hall had gone silent waiting in bated breath for Arthur's reply. But before Arthur could reply, a strong, sharp and feminine voice cut in "He is not lowly, common filth. Merlin is one of the best menservants Camelot has."

Merlin looked gratefully at Guinevere who was glaring angrily at Lord Eldred and Lord Eldred smiled mockingly at the Queen "With all due respect my Lady, if he is Camelot's best, then I fear for Camelot."

Before Gwen could say anything else, Arthur intervened "He is my manservant. Your ways of dealing with menservants are not my ways of dealing with them." 

"He should be punished, whipped a hundred lashed for his impudence." laughed Lord Eldred taking Merlin by the collar and suddenly King Arthur was on his feet. He wasn't the only one. Gwaine, Gwen, Lancelot, Gaius, Elyan, Percival and Leon were also on their feet hands on their sword ready to use it if the need arose. 

King Arthur had the dangerous glint in his blue eyes as he spoke softly "Let go of my manservant and you walk out of here an unharmed man."

"This fool? You would risk everything for this common fool of a manservant?" asked Lord Eldred surprised and full of curiosity.

"He is not just my manservant." replied Arthur to Lord Eldred and then looked at Merlin who was looking at Arthur with unspeakable, brave cobalt blue eyes "He is my friend."

Lord Eldred looked at Arthur and Arthur glared back at him "Let go of him right now. I would like to remind you that you are under the power of my kingdom."

Lord Eldred reluctantly let go of Merlin's collar and Arthur and the Knights took their hands of their swords and sat down still eyeing Lord Eldred with dirty looks. Arthur stood up and escorted Merlin to the quiet side of the hall. As soon as they reached their Arthur burst into his tantrum.

"What the hell were you thinking Merlin? Really? Spilling wine on me?" began Arthur in frustration and fear 

"Arthur - "

"Are you stupid or do you just work at it ?" continued Arthur rolling his eyes at Merlin. "You know what kind of person Lord Eldred is and you couldn't just stop being yourself for one week!"

" Well - "

"Merlin, you don't understand the gravity of the situation. You could have destroyed our treaty which was - may I remind you months and months in making - "

Merlin couldn't believe it. He was going to thank Arthur for saving him from the dreadful and the horrible clutches of Lord Eldred but Arthur had saved him just for the sake of saving his kingdom. Arthur didn't really mean what he said about Merlin being his friend and for one shining moment Merlin thought that he did. Merlin thought that after all that they had been through together that there was still a special place in Arthur's heart for Merlin. But clearly he was wrong. He was just a common manservant who almost ruined a treaty which brought riches and peace to the Kingdom of Camelot. Arthur hadn't been thinking about him, he was thinking about the profits and the peace that he would have lost because of Merlin's stupidity. All this time, everything he had done and everything he had lost was for Arthur and Arthur had the audacity to rub it in Merlin's face that he was nothing to him.

"And really - "

Something inside Merlin snapped "Shut up !!!"

Arthur looked taken aback "I'm the King, Merlin. You can't tell me what to do."

"Oh shut the hell up, you pompous royal arse." snapped Merlin angrily and Arthur actually took a step back because he had never seen Merlin angry, not with him. Merlin had always been patient with Arthur no matter how much they bantered and teased each other "Do you know what - fuck you !"

"Merlin!" gasped Arthur because he had never heard Merlin speak this way before.

"I actually thought for a moment, that you cared about me. That I was your friend." said Merlin trying his hardest not to cry "But oh no, everything is about you and your precious kingdom isn't it?"

"Merlin, what - "

"I said, shut the hell up!" snapped Merlin his eyes shining with tears "I do everything for you. I've done so much for you. I've sacrificed so much just to see your stupid smile. But what have you done for me Arthur?"

Arthur looked shocked and if Merlin didn't know better he would have thought he had seen Arthur's cornflower blue eyes shining with uncried tears. But he did know better.

"You have done nothing." spat Merlin savagely "You have made fun of me, belittled me, overworked and underpaid me and humiliated me to the core! I hate you! I hate you Arthur Pendragon!"

"Merlin, please -" Arthur began pleading but Merlin was through with all of his excuses.

"No. Just no more Arthur." said Merlin shaking his head and turning away from Arthur "No more."

And with those words, Merlin walked away with tears running down his cheeks silently, not turning back because he knew that if he did he would apologize and love Arthur all over again. 

Little did he know, that King of Camelot was crying silently too as he watched Merlin's figure vanish in the dark.


	7. Sweet Dreams

Gwaine knew something was wrong when Arthur came back and sat at the head table next to Lord Eldred and Guinevere without Merlin by his side. It wasn't anything Arthur said or did, but it was the knowledge that after such an event that happened in the banquet, Merlin and Arthur would be closer than they were before. So to see Arthur without Merlin was a strange sight and he knew at once that something had gone terribly wrong. He heard Arthur mutter that Merlin had been excused from his duties of the night but Gwaine knew that was unlikely. So he got up and left the merry making of the banquet hall to find Merlin.

As he walked through the dark corridors of the castle lit by torches of fire, suddenly he heard a sound from the end of the corridor. In the silence of the night, it sounded hurt and strangled and broken and Gwaine made his way trying to find the source of the sound. When he approached the end of the corridor he saw who had been making the hollow and empty sounds. 

It was Merlin and he was curled up on the floor, his head buried into his knees and he was trembling and shaking while emitting hurt and broken cries. 

Merlin was crying. 

Gwaine's heart broke into pieces at the horrible sight of the beautiful man shaking and crying and he softly walked towards Merlin and sat beside him. He couldn't speak for a few moments, he didn't know what to say to Merlin who was clearly in the depths of despair and after a tongue tied few moments, he spoke softly and gently " Hey Merlin."

Merlin raised his head, his face tear streaked and surprised at Gwaine's presence " Gwaine? What are you doing here?"

"I - um - I noticed that you didn't come back to the banquet after Lord Eldred -I just wanted to make sure you were okay." said Gwen trembling slightly with anger and protectiveness at the way Lord Eldred had handled Merlin. Gwaine had been so close to killing Lord Eldred. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No." Merlin sniffed shaking his head "He's not the one who hurt me."

"Oh." said Gwaine and realized who he was talking about. 

"So what did Arthur do then?" asked Gwaine feeling protective over the sniffling man beside him but he couldn't help being a little bit jealous "I thought he was your hero, saving you back there."

"I thought - I thought I was special to him. That I was his friend." replied Merlin his lip trembling "But I'm nothing to him."

"Merlin - " sighed Gwaine but Merlin was just getting started. 

"We've always been the closest friends, the clotpole and I. For all his flaws, he is kind and fair and he treated me as his equal." said Merlin tears running down his face "He - I fell in love with him Gwaine. I mean how could I not ? But there was too much keeping us apart but all I ever wanted was to be with him."

Gwaine stayed silent his heart aching and Merlin sniffed "And then Gwen came along and - I mean you know what happened. Arthur fell in love with her. I thought maybe, it was just a phase but it wasn't, he truly did love her just as much as she truly loved him. And the worst part is, no matter how hard I try I can't hate Gwen. I feel jealous of her and I want to be her but I can't hate her because she was my very first and true friend in Camelot."

"I wanted to tell him Gwaine, I really did." said Merlin tugging his knees closer to his body "But I couldn't risk it, I couldn't bear the humiliation of him not loving me back. And he was happy with Gwen. Happier than I had ever seen him. Who was I to intrude upon and take away that happiness away from him?"

Gwaine looked at Merlin with incredible admiration and sadness tugging at his heart for the man because Merlin never ceased to amaze him with his constant unselfishness and love for others which would make him sacrifice his own happiness for the happiness of the ones he loved the best. Gwaine was sure in that moment that he could never be half the man that Merlin was because Merlin was a better man than him. Merlin was a good and unselfish and loving man and that was one of the many reasons Gwaine didn't deserve him.

"I love him. I still love him. Isn't that stupid of me?" asked Merlin half laughing, half sobbing "But tonight, he told me that what he did tonight wasn't for me, it was to save the treaty."

Gwaine who had remained silent for all this time, felt something explode inside him as he exclaimed " What ???"

"Yeah." said Merlin sniffing and rolling his eyes "I'm just some worthless manservant to him."

"I'm going to kill him!" said Gwaine gritting his teeth as he made a move to stand up but Merlin pulled him back down.

"You'll do no such thing. Have you forgotten that he is the King?" admonished Merlin shaking his head at Gwaine.

Gwaine looked at Merlin as if he was insane "He hurt you, Merlin!"

"I don't care. This isn't the first time he's done this." said Merlin his eyes hollow and empty "I'll be fine Gwaine. No more putting up with the prat."

Gwaine turned his head quickly towards Merlin "What do you mean?"

"You'll see." replied Merlin and in his hollow eyes was a determined spark "You'll see."

Gwaine don't know what possessed him to do it, but he put a comforting arm around Merlin pulling the sad man closer towards him. Merlin gasped in surprise but didn't protest as he cuddled up to Gwaine, enjoying the warmth and comfort he offered.

"Can't I punch Arthur on the nose? Just a little?" pleaded Gwaine 

Even though he was overwhelmed by hurt and sadness Merlin felt his lips curve into a smile at Gwaine's childlike plea as he replied "No. Absolutely not."

"It won't hurt." said Gwaine smirking "I'll make it look like an accident."

"No and no." said Merlin with a little laugh and Gwaine smiled at Merlin's little laugh.

"Fine, if it makes you happy." huffed Gwaine rolling his eyes "But I make no promises."

"Thank you." said Merlin as he cuddled up to Gwaine craving more of his warmth.

Gwaine pulled Merlin even closer than possible "So, that girl you were talking to seemed nice."

"Sefa?" asked Merlin quizzically "I suppose so, I don't really know her that well. She's Gwen's maid."

"She seemed to like you." replied Gwaine trying not to sound hurt as he felt.

"Just like Sir Percival seemed to like you." replied Merlin feeling the green snake hiss within him.

"Percival? Percy?" asked Gwaine taken aback in surprise and shock.

"Oh, it's Percy huh?" asked Merlin bitterly "You two seemed to get along famously."

"We're just friends, Merlin." said Gwaine taking his arm from Merlin so he could look at him " There's nothing going on between us."

"Okay, if you say so." nodded Merlin rolling his eyes at Gwaine and then looking down at his fingers.

Gwaine lifted Merlin's chin up so Merlin could meet Gwaine's eyes "Percival and I are just friends, Merlin."

Merlin swallowed as he looked into the tender and warm chocolate brown eyes of Gwaine "Okay. Um - well - just for the record - there's nothing going on between Sefa and me."

"Alright then, if you say so, I believe you." said Gwaine with a grin that made Merlin's heart stop "Can't believe you were jealous, Merlin!"

Merlin was surprised at what Gwaine said as he started spluttering "I am not jealous!!!!" 

"Oh you totally were. And don't worry babe, I get it. I mean who wouldn't want all of this?" asked Gwaine gesturing towards himself making Merlin roll his eyes.

"You're delusional." replied Merlin shaking his head at Gwaine.

"And you're really hot when you're jealous, Merlin." said Gwaine with a wink which made Merlin blush.

"Oh really?" asked Merlin raising his eyebrows at Gwaine, suddenly realizing something "You know, you began it."

"What?" asked Gwaine confused as he cocked his head to the side.

"You began it, by asking whether I liked Sefa." grinned Merlin triumphantly as he saw Gwaine go pale "You were jealous!" 

"I was not - " began Gwaine defensively but Merlin laughed at Gwaine.

"Yes you were." said Merlin and smiled sweetly at Gwaine as he gestured towards himself "Don't worry babe, I get it. I mean who wouldn't want all of this?"

Gwaine shook his head at Merlin "You're - you can be such a minx sometimes, Merlin."

Merlin laughed at that and Gwaine grinned at Merlin, glad that he was feeling better. Unknown to Merlin, Gwaine was already planning Arthur's demise by thinking about how he would hurt and defeat Arthur tomorrow at the training grounds by upping his moves. He was one of the best swordsmen in Camelot, better than Arthur because he had defeated the King in training sessions several times, although Arthur would never admit it. Gwaine was looking forward to training tomorrow. He would enjoy it thoroughly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Merlin his lips twitching.

"What?" asked Gwaine his thoughts of defeating Arthur interrupted.

"That I'm a minx. What's that supposed to mean?" asked Merlin looking at Gwaine.

"Well, rumor is that walked around showing off all the hickeys on your neck to all of Camelot." said Gwaine with a teasing smile and Merlin immediately started blushing.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" protested Merlin blushing scarlet.

"Oh?" asked Gwaine cocking his eyebrows. 

"I ran out of scarves, you dummy. All my scarves were put to wash and you ripped up my last good one!" replied Merlin heatedly to which Gwaine started laughing outrageously.

Merlin shook his head at a laughing Gwaine "What? What is so funny?"

"Nothing." chuckled Gwaine wiping a tear from the corner of his eye "It's just you - and the hickeys - and scarves gone missing -"

Gwaine burst out laughing again and Merlin looked at Gwaine exasperatedly and amused "Yeah, yeah keep on laughing. Because it's so hysterically hilarious."

"Sorry." grunted Gwaine with a grin "Just it's funny."

"Of course it is." sighed Merlin with a smile and then he sighed again "I better get going. I'm tired and I just need to rest."

Gwaine nodded and he stood up at the same time as Merlin did "Go get some sleep, Merlin. You'll feel better in the morning."

Merlin looked at Gwaine "Will I ?"

"Just keep hoping, Merlin." replied Gwaine as he clapped Merlin on the shoulder.

"Will do." said Merlin with a shrug "Good night Gwaine."

"Good night Merlin." said Gwaine with an affectionate smile as he touched Merlin's cheek softly and the man leaned into the warmth of the touch. "Sweet dreams."

Merlin's only response was blushing and a shy smile before he turned around and walked away from Gwaine towards his chambers with a racing heart.


	8. He Is My Manservant

Arthur was anxiously tapping his fingers on the table, hardly able to breathe. Although he looked like he was reading the council reports, his mind was on the memories of last night. His mind was replaying the fight he had with Merlin last night where Merlin had shocked him by yelling at him in anger and frustration and stormed away from him. Merlin had walked away from him and never looked back. Last night, Merlin had said some pretty heavy, hurtful and deep statements that had made Arthur think deeply throughout the banquet and throughout the night as he tossed and turned anxiously and restlessly in his bed. Seeing Merlin walk away from him broke something in him, it made tears swell up in Arthur's eyes and Arthur had quickly wiped them away because he was King and a King does not show weakness especially for a manservant.

He had, had a sleepless night and now he was waiting for his manservant, his friend to arrive and serve his wife Guinevere and him breakfast. He was anxious and scared and he hoped that when Merlin arrived they could talk it out and work everything out. He hoped that Merlin would accept his sincere apologies. Although he was under the pretense of reading, his eyes kept wandering to the door, feeling impatient and anxious for cobalt blue eyed, witty and clumsy man's arrival.

He tapped the table again anxiously and this time Gwen's gentle voice interrupted his thoughts "Arthur? Are you alright?"

Arthur looked at Gwen who was wearing a concerned expression and smiled tightly at her "I'm fine, Guinevere."

"I'm sure Merlin will be here any moment now." assured Gwen knowing exactly what was on Arthur's mind "Your friendship is stronger than the little fight you had last night."

Arthur shook his head as he kept the council reports down "It wasn't like the fights we had before Gwen. You should have seen him, he was angry and hurt like I've never seen before. And somehow it was my fault."

"You can't keep blaming yourself Arthur." began Guinevere gently "Don't worry, you both are inseparable. I'm sure he's already on his way."

There was a knock at the door and Arthur's head whipped as fast as the wind towards the door hopefully and Gwen smiled knowingly as she said "See? Didn't I tell you?"

"Come in!" said Arthur his voice filled with relief and hope because Merlin had decided to come, he hadn't let that fight get in the way of their friend - 

Arthur's mouth dropped down in shock as he saw who entered the chambers. It was a man with a blue shirt, red scarf, brown breeches, brown jacket and brown coat. But it wasn't a man with cobalt blue eyes and dark jet black hair.

It wasn't Merlin.

"Good Morning My Lord, My Lady." greeted the new and unfamiliar servant with a bow towards Arthur and Guinevere "If your Royal Highness's would allow me, I would like to serve you breakfast."

Arthur or Gwen must have nodded in shock because the manservant began to serve them dishes of warm and delicious ham, boiled eggs, sausages, bread and butter, juicy fruits, cheese and started pouring wine or water according to their wish. Arthur looked dumbstruck as he looked at Gwen for help and reassurance and saw that she looked as shocked as she did. 

"Who are you?" asked Arthur finally coming out of his speechless trance, looking at the manservant who was serving them their breakfast very efficiently.

"I am George, Sire." replied the manservant politely and courteously "I am your new manservant."

Arthur felt like he had been hit on the head hard, repeatedly with an iron pole as he looked with disbelief at George "My what now?"

George gave a courteous bow to Arthur as he replied "Your new manservant Sire. I have polished your armor, sharpened your sword, washed and folded your clothes - "

"What do you mean new manservant?" asked Arthur in disbelief and horror "I already have a manservant, Merlin."

"Sire, I thought - well - " stammered George taken aback, not as smooth and calm as before "I thought he told you. He told me that he had informed you."

"Informed me of what?" snapped Arthur his patience reaching his limit because dammit Merlin was nowhere to be seen and he didn't want to admit it but he was panicking.

Gwen saw fear flickering in George's eyes at Arthur, the King of Camelot being displeased with him and she placed a comforting hand on Arthur's hand as she said "Arthur, calm down." Then Gwen turned towards George and smiled kindly at him "What do you mean to say George?"

George felt slightly comforted by the Queen's kindness as he said "My Lord, My Lady, Merlin has officially resigned of his duties as the manservant to the King. He asked me to take his place and serve every wish - "

"Resigned?" asked Arthur feeling his heart break and fear overwhelm him.

"Yes Sire." nodded George courteously 

Arthur felt the time of the world turn slow as the horrible realization struck him. Merlin resigning as his manservant wasn't just leaving the job, it was leaving Arthur and the friendship they shared together. Arthur knew that, Merlin knew what he was doing. Merlin knew that resigning from his duties as his manservant was cutting all ties with Arthur. How could Merlin do this? Arthur understood that maybe he had hurt Merlin and Arthur was ready to work out their friendship but Merlin just walked away from it like it never mattered to him. After everything they had been through together, Merlin couldn't do this to him. They were more than just King and Manservant, they were friends and they were brothers. Merlin was the only true friend Arthur ever had and now he was gone. They had done and faced and battled so much together and they had so much to do together. This couldn't be the end of everything Arthur and Merlin had gone through. Arthur felt it hard to breath as he clutched the table tightly, his knuckles turning whiter and whiter by the second as he felt fear and horror and sadness overwhelm him.

He could hear George's voice prattling on and Guinevere's gentle voice but it all seemed distant and far away. He was not going to lose Merlin. He wasn't going to let Merlin walk away from him, from their friendship. Arthur was going to fight for Merlin and fight for their friendship.

Arthur stood up, startling Gwen and George and Gwen looked at him questioningly "Arthur?"

Arthur looked at George with a tight smile "George - listen George, all of this is very impressive. Very impressive indeed but I already have a manservant. A rather shabby looking, appalling manners, he's extremely forgetful, he seems to spend most of his time in the tavern." Arthur then looked at George and then Gwen who was smiling knowingly and then to a puzzled George as a sudden realization hit him like magic "But he is my manservant. To be honest, I quite like it that way."

With that, Arthur marched out of his chambers leaving a puzzled George and Gwen who had a knowing smile plastered on her face, with the mission of finding Merlin and fixing their friendship.


	9. MEEERRRRLLLIIINN !!!!

Arthur marched towards the Physician's chambers and opened the door and walked in with such purpose, startling Gaius who dropped a bowl of herbs on the floor. There was one thing on Arthur's mind and that was ....

"MEEERRLLIIINN!!!!" yelled Arthur looking around the Physician's Chambers not noticing Gaius mumbling annoyed as he bent down to pick up the cracked pieces of the bowl and the herbs.

Normally Merlin's head would pop out of his chambers with an annoyed eye roll and a quirky smile and he would retort something witty and clever to shut up Arthur but that wasn't happening today.

"MEERRRLLLIIIINNN!!!!!" yelled Arthur even more loudly, for the second time because he didn't like how he was feeling right now. He was feeling worried and fearful, by the minute and it was taking over his body. All his irrational fears of Merlin leaving his service, Merlin leaving Camelot for good, Merlin leaving his side was coming true. He didn't want it to be true or come true, he wanted Merlin to come out of his chambers right now, for gods sake and calm him down! 

For gods sake where was Merlin? 

Merlin couldn't have left him. Arthur didn't just want Merlin to be by his side, he needed Merlin. He needed Merlin's stupid jokes that made him secretly smile, he needed Merlin's incessant chatter which encompassed all the information about every Lord, Lady, King, Queen, Knight, Maiden and Man in all the five kingdoms, he needed Merlin's complaints and insults hurled at him, he needed Merlin's mischievous blue eyes and crinkled smile, he needed Merlin fussing and worrying and nagging him like a mother hen, he needed Merlin who understood him better than anyone, he needed Merlin's wise advice that he actually followed ..... he just needed Merlin. 

And losing Merlin scared the living daylights out of him. 

Arthur opened his mouth to yell for Merlin one more time but he was interrupted by a wise and irritated voice.

"A very good morning to you, Sire."

Arthur turned around to see Gaius, for the first time since he entered the Physician's chambers and gave an inner sigh of relief "Ah Gaius, good morning. You wouldn't happen to know where my useless toad of a servant is?" 

Gaius looked at Arthur in a steely manner " He has a name, Sire."

Arthur looked at Gaius taken aback and then recovered as he asked the old man "Gaius, do you know where Merlin is? I can't find him anywhere."

"He said he was going out for a walk." replied Gaius calmly.

Arthur's chest burst with relief because Merlin hadn't left Camelot for good. He still had hope of reconciling with his only true friend in the kingdom.

"When will he be back?" asked Arthur in concern.

"He didn't say, Sire." replied Gaius and then raised his signature eyebrow which was a signal to Arthur that he was in trouble "Forgive my impudence, My Lord, but the whereabouts of Merlin is of no use to you now, since he is no longer in your service as your personal manservant."

"He told you?" asked Arthur, his voice filled with incredulity. "Why didn't you try and send him to my chambers?"

"It was rather obvious, Sire." replied Gaius and then looked at Arthur in a way that made him feel like a small child who stole a cookie before lunch time "And with all due respect Sire, I cannot force Merlin to do something that he doesn't want to do. It is Merlin's choice and all I can do is respect it."

"So he is serious about not being my manservant anymore?" asked Arthur feeling his heart ache horribly.

"For the time being, I think so." said Gaius, nodding wisely at Arthur "You must give him time and space, Sire."

"Gaius, Merlin is my friend." said Arthur his voice cracking in desperation "If I don't fight for him, then there is every chance I might lose him. He will hate me forever."

"Sire, The half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole." said Gaius wisely and Arthur wondered whether there was a law banning cryptic and ambiguous riddles.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Arthur feeling a headache coming on.

"It means that Merlin and you are thick as thieves." said Gaius, shaking his head at the King's stupidity " Your friendship will survive this storm."

Arthur not wishing to talk furthermore about the subject and hear more cryptic riddles, nodded at Gaius "Well, I must attend Council. But do send word if Merlin comes back. I wish to know whether he is in good health."

"I will, Sire." said Gaius bowing respectfully to his King and Arthur left the Physician's chambers to face a hell which was unique in its own way ...... The Royal Council.


	10. The Forest of Utopia

While Arthur was going mad and driving everyone in Camelot mad with his angry yelling and cross remarks, Merlin was far away surrounded by the peace and quiet of the forest nearby Camelot. Merlin was lying back on a tall, beautiful, huge dark green tree and relaxing lazily with his eyes closed to the world around him but yet in tune with his surroundings. He felt his tense shoulders relax as he heard the merry singing of the birds and the rustling of the leaves of the trees around him and the gentle and ethereal sound of the breeze laughing and the rippling of the crystal and rocky stream which connected into an icy, pristine and clear pond. Merlin sighed in bliss and did not want to move because he didn't want any of this beauty and peace to suddenly vanish. He slowly opened his eyes to see the slow golden rays of sunshine filter through the branches of the trees from the cloudless blue sky and felt its magical and pleasant warmth on his skin. He felt life and magic vibrating and dancing strongly all over him, in the earth he was sitting on, from the trees surrounding him, the blooming of the beautiful flowers, the chirping of the birds in the trees, the majestic sky above him, the sweet and innocent creatures that played on the earth, and the water that flowed through the earth. He took a deep breath and took it all in, the feeling of being so connected and grateful and loving to something that almost every person takes for granted ..... life.

Merlin liked it here. This was a place not far from Camelot, but it was unknown to Camelot's rulers over the years. Merlin had stumbled over it by accident when he had been sent by Gaius to collect herbs. As Merlin was searching for hollyhock wishing for once in his life that he could have a place of his own where he wasn't ashamed of himself and where he could just take a breath, Merlin had felt the power and pull of magic and he instinctively followed it to see thick,tangled, solitary, threatening and leafy green vines which seemed to almost be guarding something. Merlin knew he should go back, collect the herbs and give it to Gaius but something in him, maybe it was that tug of magic made him dive into those threatening, leafy green vines. And as he emerged from them, he saw that he was in a whole different world to than that of where he had being before. Merlin wanted the right words to describe that moment but he was tongue tied and his breath was taken away by the beauty and serenity of it all. 

The world Merlin was standing in was just so ..... unique. The gorgeous, warm sunlight filtered through the tall and ancient trees which had different colored leaves. Merlin sucked in a breath as he took in the beautiful leaf colors of every tree such as olive green, dark green, fiery red, warm orange,honey yellow, divine purple, royal blue, soft pink, pure white .... and so many more colors that Merlin had not seen, not even in his wildest dreams. There were young and slender trees and fat, leafy bushes and some were filled with plentiful of luscious looking fruit and berries. There were so many wildly exotic and brilliantly sweet flowers in bloom and Merlin recognized lilies, peonies, daisies, and roses out of the many, many, many sweet smelling flowers around him. Merlin's eyes widened as he walked through what seemed to be a forest, a very large, beautiful and magical forest. There were different creatures playing and frolicking around and they didn't seem fazed by his appearance in this remarkable place. In fact, they were very welcoming towards him as the deer, rabbits, squirrels and monkeys darted and ran towards the new human who appeared and sniffed him and nuzzled him while the parrots, bluebirds, robins and butterflies flew around him, chirping and singing liking him more and more each minute. As he explored the place, he found out a clear spring which flowed down to form a stream and finally the stream fell into a lovely and clear pond. He knelt by the pond and took some of the icy water in his hands and splashed it all over his face and drank some to quench his thirst and Merlin never felt so refreshed. The water was cool and icy and it tasted pure and fresh. As Merlin wandered around reveling in the beauty of this place he wondered where he was because his magic never felt so strongly connected with any other place except the Isle of the Blessed. But the Isle of the Blessed was the birth place of the old religion and as a creature of magic it was only natural and right that he felt connected with it. But here, Merlin felt happy and content and he felt like he belonged. 

As Merlin was thinking these thoughts through, he came across a massive and ancient tree with twisted branches and gentle and leafy green vines hanging down. This tree was slightly covered in mist and in the middle of the pond and Merlin had made his way towards it through the stepping stones on the pond. And Merlin saw as he approached the tree that there were elegant letters carved onto the middle of the tree trunk and his eyes focused on the letters as he read it out loud.

" This is the Forest of Utopia. 

For welcome all those who are weak and weary and need rest  
For welcome all those who are strong, brave and pure of heart  
For welcome all those who need a hiding place from the cruelties of the world  
For welcome all those who the Forest of Utopia calls to

 

But beware those who come in to this Forest   
And later transforms into wild beasts of greed and hatred  
For the forest has its own rewards of Paradise  
But it has its own hidden cruelties of hell

Blaise Dalamar"

 

Merlin read this poem or as he called it 'riddle' twice and then read it for the third time again. Merlin had pretty good experience with figuring out cryptic riddles, thanks to Kilgarrah so what he summed up from the poem was that any person who was tired, who wanted to hide away from the world, who had good, strong and brave heart would be invited by the Forest of Utopia. But if those people who entered the Forest of Utopia later on became corrupted with greed, hatred or power the forest will have its way of punishing them. Merlin raised his eyebrows as he quickly memorized the poem for future reference and realized that all though there was beauty and exquisiteness surrounding him, it all depended on him to keep it that way. That afternoon Merlin spent a lot of time in the forest exploring and playing with the animals and it was with great reluctance and sadness he had departed through the veil of vines but not before giving one more look back and saying a grateful ' thank you ' to the Forest of Utopia. When Merlin stumbled out of the Veil of Vines, he had expected it to be the late evening but to his surprise it was the afternoon, the same time as he had discovered the veil. He looked at the Veil of Vines which was guarding the forest, puzzled and then picked up the bowl of herbs realizing that time inside the Forest was different. It was almost as if there wasn't any time at all. It was as if the amount of time he spent in the forest didn't matter because the time outside, in the real world, in Camelot would still be the same as when he left it.

Merlin didn't expect to find the Forest of Utopia again but as the poem so correctly said, the Forest found him. The connection between Merlin and the Forest of Utopia was strong and so Merlin followed the tug of the magic to the same place again and dove into the Veil of Vines to find himself standing in the Forest of Utopia again. And after the second time, there was a third time, a fourth time, a fifth time, a sixth time and many more times of going to the Forest of Utopia whenever he was sad, lonely, tired, frustrated or heartbroken. It became his place of comfort and solace. In the Forest of Utopia he could be who he truly was without any fear of death. He could freely use magic and he did but he never hurt the forest with it. Instead he tried to help the forest by healing the hurt animals with his magic, helping the weaker plants to grow with his magic and sometimes cleaning up the forest with it. Merlin knew that the forest didn't need any help because it had a magic of it's own but Merlin wanted to help the Forest which had helped him so much. And the Forest allowed him to help. Sometimes Merlin would practice his magic by trying to transfiguring, switching, conjuring, charming or vanishing objects. Sometimes certain things in magic would be hard for him and he would almost give up but then a flower would bloom nearby or a bird would burst into a motivational song and Merlin knew it was the Forest's way of encouraging him to keep moving on and practicing his magic no matter how hard it got. There were times Merlin would come to the Forest of Utopia and not practice magic but instead cry and cry and cry his heart and soul out. There were times where all he did was sob and in those times the forest turned quiet and calm as if trying to mourn with their friend and understand his grief. Then when he finished crying, the sweet creatures would come up to him gently and lay beside him, as if guarding him from all the hurt and the suffering of the world and the birds would sing piercingly sad yet sweet songs to help Merlin.

Now, Merlin was here again, after a fight with the person he loved most in the world, Arthur. He wondered how Arthur was getting along without him. Merlin shook his head, knowing that Arthur was rid of his annoying and disobedient ways because he had resigned his position as Arthur's personal manservant and given it to prim and proper George. Merlin didn't want to do it, the irrational 'I'm in love with a prat ' didn't want to stop serving Arthur because it was the only way Merlin could be close to Arthur. But the rational and logical side of him, the side that had suffered and hurt enough had told him to stop being a love sick puppy and quit the job and finally after a restless night of sleep, he had woken up early, banged on the door's of George's chambers and announced to a very sleepy and surprised boy that he would be the next personal manservant to the King of Camelot. Merlin remembered George's elation and nervousness as he questioned Merlin on his duties and the King's preferences and Merlin had answered them quickly and shortly telling George that he would be brilliant at the new job. Merlin ignored the jab of pain at quitting his position as Arthur's manservant because to him this position wasn't just about serving Arthur, it was also about being Arthur's friend and loving him. And Merlin knew that quitting the job meant cutting off Arthur from his life and the physical pain he felt in his chest was too much to bear and the sob had threatened to choke him. When Gaius found Merlin in his chambers in the morning, already awake, he had started scolding him for being late for his duties as Arthur's manservant. But Merlin informed Gaius that he would no longer be Arthur's manservant and although Gaius protested about destiny and purpose at first, he finally let Merlin make his choice and hugged him saying that he was very proud of Merlin. Then, when Gaius had packed him some food and told him to go out and relax for the day, Merlin could hardly believe his ears and thanked Gaius and rushed out of the castle into the Forest of Utopia.

Now he was in the Forest of Utopia, lazily relaxing, something he hadn't been able to do in years. As he lay back on the tree, a beautiful, familiar looking blue bird flew towards him and landed on his right knee. 

Merlin smiled at the blue bird "Hullo Freya. How are you today?"

The blue bird chirped back "Hello Merlin. I'm good. How are you?"

A while after discovering the Forest of Utopia, Merlin discovered that he had the ability to speak to animals and birds alike. It was a strange yet wonderful feeling to understand something that was so foreign to the others and talk to these beautiful creatures as if they were humans. In a short while after discovering his ability, Merlin used it to the best of his ability. Often when he was doing chores, birds would come and twitter and chat with him about their lives and the lives of every citizen of Camelot. The castle cat would moan his woes of being kicked out and not having enough food and being chased by Arthur's dogs to Merlin who was very sympathetic. Arthur's dogs would sometimes bark about Arthur, about the loud noise, really about everything to Merlin and Merlin thought Arthur's dogs were very similar to Arthur. The mice would squeak about their poor conditions of living and Merlin would sneak some cheese from the kitchen for them to their delight. The fish that splashed in the stream nearby the castle would laugh and joke with Merlin. The horses in the stable would neigh whenever Merlin came in and tell him about the stable boy's latest fling or how horrible the Knights are to them but they would always talk highly of Arthur, Lancelot and Gwaine. Basically, Merlin knew every creature of Camelot and every creature of Camelot knew and loved Merlin with all their hearts. 

"I'm good too, Freya." said Merlin with a tired smile.

"Don't lie to me, Merlin. I always know when you are lying to me." twittered back Freya crossly which made Merlin laugh.

"You are right." Merlin said chuckling and then he sighed "It's just .... I've got a lot on my mind lately."

"When have you not?" asked Freya cocking her head to the side, sassing Merlin.

Merlin shook his head at the bird "I quit working for Arthur."

People would say it was impossible for a bird's eyes to be sad but Merlin thought that those people have not seen Freya's sad dark eyes "Oh Merlin."

"I had to do it. I couldn't go on. I couldn't just go on breaking into pieces every single day when I look at him." said Merlin suddenly feeling a lump swell up his throat "I can't - I - It hurts so much - Freya - It hurts - make it stop!!!"

By now Merlin was choking up and tears were falling hard and fast down his face. Freya was in despair as she watched her human friend collapse and break and sob like a broken child as she had watched so many times before. The forest which had been full of sounds of life was now strangely and calmingly quiet and Freya felt her little bird heart break into pieces as she watched Merlin cry over some King who did not understand the beauty and the preciousness that Merlin possessed. Freya wanted to say something but she didn't know what to say and she knew it was wise not to say anything but instead to let Merlin let out all his suffering, pain and anguish which he has been storing for a long time inside him. After a while, Merlin's sobs ceased and he sniffed as he wiped away his tear stained face quickly and clumsily. 

"I'm sorry." sniffed Merlin apologetically.

"It is not you, who should be sorry, my friend." said Freya gently and soothingly.

"I know - " sniffed Merlin again, wiping his face with his sleeve "It's just that I've been burdening people with my stupid worries lately."

"Did my ears deceive me?" chirped Freya beating her wings with sudden excitement "You've been talking about your worries to someone who isn't a woodland creature but a person? An actual human person who is a living breathing human being?"

Merlin managed to laugh at Freya's excitement "Yes, well, it means nothing - "

"Don't you dare say it means nothing young man!" trilled Freya making Merlin wince and smile at the same time "I know you and you don't trust people easily, so if you trust this human person with your worries, then this human person must be special !!!"

Merlin reflected on what Freya said "Well, when you put it like that....."

"Who is she? Who is she?" asked Freya fluttering around Merlin in an excited frenzy.

"Well... actually... it's a he." said Merlin trying to calm down Freya.

"Even better !!!" chirped Freya merrily "Who is it? Is it the stable boy? Or is it one of the servants in the castle?"

"No." said Merlin shaking his head and then said softly "It's Gwaine."

"Gwaine?" asked Freya puzzled "What's a Gwaine?"

"Gwaine is my best friend." said Merlin laughing at Freya's question "He's a Knight of the Round Table."

Freya looked at Merlin and then started making a sound which Merlin had categorized as surprised laughter "You really do attract the noble ones huh?"

"What - I - we're not - I mean - " spluttered Merlin blushing profusely and then glared at the laughing blue bird "Shut up !!!"

"I will not." chirped back Freya "Sir Gwaine and Mighty Merlin! Has a nice ring to it."

"I am not Mighty Merlin." protested Merlin "And Gwaine and I are just friends. We'll never be anything more."

"AH HA!" twittered Freya triumphantly "So you have thought of becoming something more with Sir Gwaine!!!"

Merlin started spluttering at the infuriating blue bird " I HAVE NOT !!! I just said that we'll never be anything more than friends! We're just friends. Just friends. Only just friends. Nothing more."

"Sounds like you're trying to convince yourself pretty hard." replied Freya with a mischievous glint in her small bird eyes.

Merlin threw his hands up in the air " I give up !!!"

"So tell me about this Gwaine. Is he handsome?" asked Freya curiously.

"I suppose so." replied Merlin nervously suddenly for no reason feeling hot everywhere.

"You suppose so? Don't you have eyes?" asked Freya flapping her wings in exasperation.

"Well, he is easy on the eyes. He's handsome, rugged and charming. Very charming and flirty." said Merlin feeling the heat flare through his body as he thought of Gwaine's charming grin and the way he had peppered kisses on Merlin's neck. Merlin unconsciously touched his neck as he went on "He's a perfect storm of pretty hair and horrible judgment."

"I see." said Freya "Why is he your best friend?"

"I dunno." said Merlin as he unconsciously rubbed the spot that Gwaine had marked on his neck that memorable night "He's just always been there for me, no questions asked, no conditions imposed. And he's kind and loyal and brave and funny and he isn't - he is really down to earth."

"He sounds like a wonderful man." chirped Freya knowingly.

"He is." murmured Merlin softly to himself "He is a good man."

"But pity, he is just a friend." twittered Freya shaking her head.

Merlin stared at Freya for a moment and then said "You're too clever for a bird, you know that?"

"Oi!" protested Freya indignantly "I'll have you know that birds are wonderful creatures possessing a considerable level of intelligence than humans."

"Of course." laughed Merlin as he stroked Freya's feathers gently "I'm glad you're my friend, Freya."

"I'm glad that you're my friend too Merlin." chirped Freya cheerfully and then began to sing a beautiful melody to which Merlin closed his eyes and began listening to and as he listened to Freya's beautiful song he slowly fell asleep.


	11. Don't Give Up

After Merlin had woken up from his deep sleep at the Forest of Utopia, he had said goodbye to Freya and all the other beautiful woodland creatures and left the Forest through the Veil of Vines to find that it was still morning. So he had wandered around the forest nearby Camelot and stuffed his pockets with herbs that Gaius might need as a 'thank you' gift for Gaius for being so understanding. Then, in the afternoon he found a shady spot and sat down and scarfed down the rest of the food that Gaius had given him. Then after finishing up his lunch, he slowly made his way back to Camelot, where he lingered around the market, talking and laughing with people he knew. After spending a few hours at the market, amusing the shoppers and exchanging small talk with the traders, Merlin decided that it would be best if he made his way back to the castle since it was getting late. 

Merlin was no stranger to the castle. He had been living in the premises of the Castle of Camelot for a long time and he had been a servant to Arthur for so many years, which made him knowledgeable on every nook and corner, every single room, every secret passageway and the best hiding places in the castle. Arthur was lucky that Merlin's love for him won over his frustration, fear and anger every time because if Merlin did decide to turn evil there would be no place for Arthur to seek refuge. Merlin knew everything about the castle, its strengths and weaknesses because he was a servant and that gave him the valuable trait of being invisible. No one cares about a servant wandering the halls of the castle because it was the job of the servant to fade into the shadows and remain unnoticed and invisible. In that way, Merlin was kind of grateful that he was a servant because so far he hadn't being caught lurking around the secret passageways and hiding in the unseen corners of the castle. Now, Merlin wanted to enter the castle but he didn't want to draw attention. Attention as in the attention of a very determined, handsome, noble King who would no doubt be searching for him, demanding an explanation for his outrageous behavior. And Merlin wanted to avoid Arthur at all costs. He didn't want to see Arthur or hear Arthur's voice or talk to Arthur ever again. He was feeling a mixture of dread and exhaustion at the thought of seeing Arthur. Merlin shook his head at his imagination because why would Arthur even care? Arthur wouldn't care at all. He never did. But Merlin didn't want to risk running into the King of Camelot so Merlin decided to enter from a secret passageway he knew would connect to the corridor which lead straight to the Physician's chambers. After fumbling around in the dark and sparking a ball of light to illuminate the dark secret passageway, he made his way through it and finally found the panel which he pressed his ear to and listened for sound on the other side of the panel and then as he didn't hear any sound he twisted the panel twice and it opened to reveal the castle corridor into which he stepped and quickly but soundlessly closed the panel which blended in with the decorative patterns of the wall. 

Then Merlin casually put his hands in his pockets and started whistling a low tune as he made his way stealthily towards Gaius' chambers and opened the door. As Merlin opened the door, he was about to greet Gaius but what he saw in the Physician's Chambers made his words die down his throat and made him stop and stand very still as his heart started beating wildly. 

Because what his eyes saw sitting on one of Gaius' work benches and reading one of Gaius' books on nature diligently by the soft, flickering, golden candlelight was none other than .....

"Arthur" Merlin breathed his heart panicking and jumping in fear and traitorous joy. 

Arthur looked up from reading the book and when he saw who it was, he was filled with relief "Merlin! You're back!"

Merlin's heart was telling him that Arthur truly did care and Arthur had not forgotten him. But Merlin had listened to his heart for so long and been wrong so many times, he couldn't fool himself again. He had to end this.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin asked coldly and sharply.

Arthur's eyes flickered in pain "I was - well - I was waiting for you. I was hoping we could talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." said Merlin icily and he was surprised at himself in his change of behavior but he knew it had to be done.

Arthur strode towards Merlin "Yes there is. We need to talk Merlin be - "

"Get out." ordered Merlin sharply, crossing his arms in defense.

"No." said Arthur obstinately "I'm not leaving. Not until you tell me what's worrying you."

"We're not friends Arthur." replied Merlin with a icy laugh that made Arthur flinch and his heart hurt "I was just your manservant. I don't need to tell you anything."

"Why did you quit?" asked Arthur trying to ignore the sharp arrows of pain in his heart at the words Merlin had said before "Why did you stop?"

"Why would you want to know?" asked Merlin rolling his eyes at Arthur mockingly.

"I want to know if I did something wrong, Merlin so that I can fix it." persisted Arthur gently and truthfully.

Because it was true. Arthur wanted to fix what Merlin thought was broken so they could go back to the way they were. Arthur would do anything to see Merlin smile brightly at him once again and call him all those ridiculous names mockingly with a touch of fondness, that made Arthur grin when he was alone. 

For a few moments Merlin was silent and Arthur wondered whether he had finally got to his friend. But then Merlin sighed sadly and shook his head at Arthur "You can't fix it Arthur."

"You're not giving me the chance Merlin." said Arthur pleadingly, almost begging Merlin and Merlin was taken aback because he had never heard Arthur who was proud and headstrong beg anyone for anything "You're shutting me out."

"Maybe that's the way it should be." said Merlin taking a step back from Arthur, trying to put as much distance between them as he could.

"No, I will not accept that." said Arthur stubbornly shaking his head, as he took a few steps towards Merlin "I know you're trying to push me away but I have something to say."

"You always have something to say." retorted Merlin sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. 

"Shut up Merlin" replied back Arthur easily and with fond exasperation and for a moment it was as if they had gone back to their old ways. 

"Is that what you wanted to say?" snickered Merlin, a smile working its way into his face. 

Arthur shook his head suddenly overwhelmed by the nostalgic and comfortable familiarity of their banter and camaraderie "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Merlin's eyebrows raised so high that Gaius would have been proud if he had seen it. Merlin was taken aback and shocked because he was sure that he had never heard Arthur say that particular set of words to him of all people. He wanted to say something but Arthur kept talking as if he was getting off everything that had been weighing on his chest.

"I'm sorry for making fun of you, overworking you, belittling you, underpaying you and humiliating you." said Arthur his voice and eyes filled with sincerity "I'm sorry for losing my temper the time you told me that Valiant was using magic. I'm sorry for not trusting you when you warned me about Agravaine. I'm sorry that I'm not very good at showing how much I care about you. I'm sorry for hurting you last night and every time before that. I'm sorry Merlin, I truly am." Merlin stared at Arthur dumbstruck, his heart racing with so many emotions as the man in front of him took another step towards him and gently took Merlin's hand in his. "But most of all I'm sorry for not being a good friend to you, when you were the best and truest friend I ever had."

Merlin's tongue was tied and he couldn't think straight as he felt Arthur's warm touch "Arthur - "

"I understand if you don't want to work for me anymore." said Arthur his voice cracking a little and Merlin could clearly see the tears shining in Arthur's bright blue cornflower eyes that he adored so much "But - don't - don't give up on me, Merlin."

"I - I -" said Merlin confused and caught his breath as he stared into the sincere and beautiful eyes of the man he loved so much.

"It's alright. Take your time." said Arthur gently and released Merlin's hand "But I want to know what you meant."

"What I meant?" asked Merlin hoping he sounded casual and not as if he was panicking inside.

"What you meant when you said that you've sacrificed so much to see me smile." said Arthur his eyes probing into Merlin and Merlin flushed a brilliant scarlet and quickly started thinking of an excuse to that "You don't have to tell me now, Merlin. But you will have to tell me, eventually."

"I - " began Merlin but then realized what Arthur was doing. He was doing what he was always doing, bossing Merlin around ! "I will not, clotpole!!!"

"Excuse me?" asked Arthur taken aback 

"You can't just waltz in here and recite a beautifully worded speech and expect me to forgive you !!!" began Merlin angrily "This is what always happens, but it is not happening now. What you did last night to me, hurt me Arthur. More than anything. I thought we were at least friends."

"Look, Merlin - " said Arthur as he ran his hand through his hair "I - I meant what I said when I said I was sorry. And I am sorry for last night. I'm an idiot - what I did - I did for my kingdom yes - but I also did it for you, Merlin. You are my friend. My only friend."

"Arthur - look - you should go." said Merlin sighing not wanting to talk anymore to the annoying prat "It's complicated and clearly not working and all the signs of destiny are pointing towards the doom of our friendship - "

"Oh for Camelot's love, Merlin, uncomplicate it for me, then." said Arthur throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation "Why can't we be friends like we were before?"

"Because Arthur, everything has changed!!!" snapped Merlin suddenly in anger, that Arthur took a step back "It's not like we're Arthur and Merlin, Merlin and Arthur like we were before. It's not us against the world anymore. Now, you're the King of Camelot, the ruler of Albion with a beautiful and kind queen by your side and I'm jut some pathetic little shadow behind you. I'm not your equal anymore, Arthur!!! Don't you get it? Being us, being Arthur and Merlin stopped a long time ago and you - gods - just - you know what - forget it!"

"Merlin - " Arthur began but Merlin just shook his head.

"No." Merlin said refusing to look at Arthur, biting his lip and trying to hide his tears.

"I'm sorry." said Arthur, his voice broken and low.

"I know." said Merlin swallowing the lump in his throat and then he suddenly heard Arthur give a groan of pain.

Merlin looked up at Arthur, alarmed "What is it?"

Arthur winced but managed to smile at Merlin, which came out more as a grimace "Nothing. Nothing you should worry about."

"Arthur - what are you hiding? It sounded like you were in pain." said Merlin anxiously.

"Oh just the usual training wounds." said Arthur gritting his teeth in pain. "Gwaine was particularly fierce today."

"Oh?" asked Merlin "What happened?"

"Oh just the good old friendly sword fighting and then a few punches to the stomach." said Arthur with a light laugh but then held his stomach and groaned. Merlin made a move towards Arthur worriedly but Arthur held his hand up to stop Merlin "Not to worry, old friend, Gaius gave me a good remedy. I should be - "

"You should be resting!" scolded Merlin in a shrilly voice "What on earth were you thinking coming here without staying in bed?"

Arthur hid a fond smile because this reminded him so much of the fussy, caring Merlin he knew so well "I was thinking I needed to talk to my best friend."

"Arthur - "

"It's okay Merlin. Really. It doesn't hurt that much." assured Arthur with a smile but Merlin knew just by looking into his eyes that Arthur was lying.

"You're lying. You should rest." said Merlin chewing his lip anxiously.

"You're right." said Arthur as he rubbed the sore spot of his stomach "I better get going."

As Arthur made his way and opened the door to leave, Merlin couldn't stop himself from calling out "Arthur!"

Arthur turned back to look at Merlin "Yeah, Merlin?"

Merlin looked at Arthur as he said softly "Hope you get well soon." 

Arthur looked at Merlin as if contemplating something important and then flashed a brilliant smile at Merlin "Of course I will. I'm Arthur and you're Merlin. You need me to keep you on your toes."

Merlin shook his head at the King as he shut the door and left for his own chambers. Merlin smiled as he thought of Arthur and how he had come for him, even though he should have been resting in his chambers. Arthur did care for him and even if he didn't want to, Merlin cared for Arthur too. Merlin's thoughts were of Arthur and all the times they both spent together in wild adventures, stupid escapades, idiotic banter and inside jokes. 

Merlin knew that Arthur didn't love him, the way Merlin loved him. But Arthur loved him enough to come find him and talk their problems out and for some reason it lighted a spark of hope in their friendship that Merlin didn't have for a long time.


End file.
